Septic Tank Etiquette

We found out early on that if we wanted to live in the country, we were going to have to have a septic tank. I really didn't know what that was, but I was willing to do anything if it meant getting our dream country home. Yet, with a septic tank comes certain behaviors you must adhere to in order to prevent stinky septic disasters.

A septic tank is a giant tank (who would have thought?!). Our tank is buried in our backyard, and you can access it through a top that looks like a manhole cover. All of our wastewater is pumped into our septic tank. Once in the septic tank, solids are broken down and the wastewater is eventually absorbed by the soil. The tank has to be pumped every few years to get out the sludge that accumulates.

You have to be a little more careful with what you throw down the drain when you have a septic tank. When we first met the septic tank inspector, he spent most of his time talking to my husband (country culture will be another post...), but then he turned to look at me and said something to the effect of, "Unfortunately, ladies have a harder time with a septic system than men do. I'll talk to you about that later." Most ladies will recognize that this 50+ gentleman wanted to talk to me about my menstrual cycle, which I certainly was not in the mood for (I feel like there's a joke here). Fortunately, he forgot to talk to me about it, and I pretty much knew what to do now.

The septic tank inspector sent over a lot of materials about how to care for a septic system, and I learned that there is a lot you can't throw down the drain. The garbage disposal was a no-no, but we had, thankfully, started using a compost bin already. You can't put harsh chemicals, especially bleach, down the drain because they could kill the bacteria in the tank that help break down the goodies that do end up down there. You also can't pour grease down the drain, but honestly, no one should do that anyway. Most importantly, you can't put anything in the toilet besides toilet paper and the other usual suspects. Since a lot of my friends and family do not have septic systems, I wanted to find a discrete way to let those using my toilet know not to throw forbidden items in the toilet.

I searched online forums for suggestions for signs I could make and post in my bathroom. Talk about a goldmine. My favorite postings were from individuals that thought it was inappropriate and embarrassing to acknowledge that your guests did anything in the bathroom but powder their noses. But the people who had complete septic failure due to one wrong thing down the toilet had some interesting warnings/poems/threats posted. Here are some of my favorites:

• "Don't put trash in my toilet and I won't poop in your trash can." (I'd be too afraid to use this person's toilet)
• "In the woods, our toiletry is sensitive to all of thee, except the obvious necessity!" (The Shakespeare version)
• "You shouldn't flush anything you haven't eaten or wouldn't eat." (Classy)
• "Those of us with septic tanks, Would like to give a word of thanks, For putting nothing in the pot, that isn't guaranteed to rot. Kleenex is bad, cigarettes too, Feminine products are taboo, No hair combings please - use the basket. There's a very good reason why we ask it. With your kind cooperation We'll keep our tank in operation!" (Dr. Seuss's version-- I think I'd feel more inclined to ignore the sign if I have to suffer through this poem)

I decided to go with something short and sweet: "We use a septic system - please do not flush any products other than toilet paper." When I get the chance, I plan on printing this saying on some classy paper, placing it in a small frame, and posting it where guests can see it.

Now that you know the etiquette, please be responsible septic tank users.