Septic Tank Etiquette

We found out early on that if we wanted to live in the country, we were going to have to have a septic tank. I really didn't know what that was, but I was willing to do anything if it meant getting our dream country home. Yet, with a septic tank comes certain behaviors you must adhere to in order to prevent stinky septic disasters.

A septic tank is a giant tank (who would have thought?!). Our tank is buried in our backyard, and you can access it through a top that looks like a manhole cover. All of our wastewater is pumped into our septic tank. Once in the septic tank, solids are broken down and the wastewater is eventually absorbed by the soil. The tank has to be pumped every few years to get out the sludge that accumulates.

You have to be a little more careful with what you throw down the drain when you have a septic tank. When we first met the septic tank inspector, he spent most of his time talking to my husband (country culture will be another post...), but then he turned to look at me and said something to the effect of, "Unfortunately, ladies have a harder time with a septic system than men do. I'll talk to you about that later." Most ladies will recognize that this 50+ gentleman wanted to talk to me about my menstrual cycle, which I certainly was not in the mood for (I feel like there's a joke here). Fortunately, he forgot to talk to me about it, and I pretty much knew what to do now.

The septic tank inspector sent over a lot of materials about how to care for a septic system, and I learned that there is a lot you can't throw down the drain. The garbage disposal was a no-no, but we had, thankfully, started using a compost bin already. You can't put harsh chemicals, especially bleach, down the drain because they could kill the bacteria in the tank that help break down the goodies that do end up down there. You also can't pour grease down the drain, but honestly, no one should do that anyway. Most importantly, you can't put anything in the toilet besides toilet paper and the other usual suspects. Since a lot of my friends and family do not have septic systems, I wanted to find a discrete way to let those using my toilet know not to throw forbidden items in the toilet.

I searched online forums for suggestions for signs I could make and post in my bathroom. Talk about a goldmine. My favorite postings were from individuals that thought it was inappropriate and embarrassing to acknowledge that your guests did anything in the bathroom but powder their noses. But the people who had complete septic failure due to one wrong thing down the toilet had some interesting warnings/poems/threats posted. Here are some of my favorites:

• "Don't put trash in my toilet and I won't poop in your trash can." (I'd be too afraid to use this person's toilet)
• "In the woods, our toiletry is sensitive to all of thee, except the obvious necessity!" (The Shakespeare version)
• "You shouldn't flush anything you haven't eaten or wouldn't eat." (Classy)
• "Those of us with septic tanks, Would like to give a word of thanks, For putting nothing in the pot, that isn't guaranteed to rot. Kleenex is bad, cigarettes too, Feminine products are taboo, No hair combings please - use the basket. There's a very good reason why we ask it. With your kind cooperation We'll keep our tank in operation!" (Dr. Seuss's version-- I think I'd feel more inclined to ignore the sign if I have to suffer through this poem)

I decided to go with something short and sweet: "We use a septic system - please do not flush any products other than toilet paper." When I get the chance, I plan on printing this saying on some classy paper, placing it in a small frame, and posting it where guests can see it.

Now that you know the etiquette, please be responsible septic tank users.

FARM 101: An Introduction to Seeking Rural Life

Howdy, y'all!! Just kidding, I'm not that country. You can take the girl out of the suburbs, but you can't take the suburbs out of the girl.

For my first post, I would like to tell you a little about myself and tell you how I came to be a suburban girl seeking rural life. I grew up in the suburbs of Kansas City for the majority of my life. Any exposure I had with the country came from going to family reunions in rural Missouri where many of my family members lived on acres of land and raised various livestock. As a suburban girl, I couldn't believe they had to drive more than 30 minutes to the grocery store.

As I grew up in the 'burbs, I became a good Starbucks-drinking, Target-loving suburbanite. Yet, when it came to choosing a college, I ended up going to Kansas State University, a large state school about two hours west of Kansas City in the middle of pretty much nowhere. I could have gone to the more suburb-friendly University of Kansas (30 minutes from home), but I was unimpressed with their tour (sorority girl bragging that you can be dunked in the fountain on your birthday....giggle). I did go there for my master's degree though, so don't think that I don't like the school. I chose K-State because they bragged about how many Fulbright scholars they had; that's how you impress me.

When I arrived at K-State with my best friend, we were aghast that Manhattan (where K-State is located) neither had a Starbucks nor a Target (gasp!). In the four years I was went to school in Manhattan, the city eventually got a Target and a Starbucks. Target was hard to ignore (there weren't a lot of options), but by the time Starbucks was built during my senior year, I had already found a favorite local coffee shop that I thought was much better. I enjoyed that Manhattan offered beautiful bike rides on country roads, great hikes through the prairie, and really friendly people from all over Kansas. I started to prefer this type of environment over the one I had been raised in. It's funny because my parents always talked about how much better it would be to live in a more rural environment in an older home on a little bit of land, and now I wanted that too.

My boyfriend bought a house in the suburbs of Kansas City during my senior year of undergrad. I was disappointed when we rolled up to a fairly new cookie-cutter suburban house in a tiny-treed subdivision. This was not my dream house. Lucky for me, he soon realized this was not his dream house either. As we spent our weekends together ( I was two hours away, remember?), we started imagining our dream house. We wanted land (ie- more than 5 ft between our house and our neighbor's) and everything the homeowner's association (HOA) said we couldn't have: a garden, a compost pile, and a pick-up truck that doesn't have to be moved every week to appease the HOA. Also, we didn't want a HOA.

My boyfriend sold his house after we got engaged, and we moved into an apartment. We got married in June 2011, and we realized we could start looking for our house. We started looking for our dream house in March 2012. We looked in more rural areas around Kansas City, but we hit a handful of duds: a house that turned out to be a trailer home on a foundation, the perfect house but right next to a highway, the perfect house with a 45+ minute drive to work during rush hour, etc. The house we ended up buying was one we almost didn't go to see because of the picture on the website. As we pulled up, our realtor said, "I've got a good feeling about this!" We soon did too.

We now live in a home on an acre of land. We now have a garden and a compost pile. The town we live in is a weird mix of country and suburb, as the suburbs slowly grow westward. The town doesn't have a grocery store, though, so it still feels small. We've only lived here for two months, but I'm slowly learning how to make a garden grow, how to make compost, how to get along with country folk, how to ride a lawn mower, how to raise chickens, and how to become a country girl. These are my trials and tribulations. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, or at least be amused by them.